2005 - Vol. 2, Issue 5

Currently I'm having email problems. I'm handling it by going limp and feigning death — like an opossum being menaced by a particularly venomous Internet service provider. The reason is that I'm afraid of technology. Whenever I try to download or "upgrade" software, it makes my computer unusable. And then I'm stuck, because I don't know how to uninstall the software. So I either have to call in a competent family member (while I huddle in the corner, whimpering) or pay a professional geek $200 to fix the problem.

I wasn't always like this. I went to heroic measures when my former disk drive made gagging sounds instead of relinquishing my disk. I first tried to clear its airway (remove disk with fingers), then performed the Heimlich maneuver (pull out entire drive and shake), before finally attempting a tracheotomy (pry out disk with knife and screwdriver). The drive died on the slab.

That's why (until recently) the one type of software I found unthreatening was repair software — things like Norton Utilities or TechTool Pro — that would fix my computer without my having the faintest idea what's wrong. I was delighted when my latest computer purchase, an iBook, came with an "AppleCare Protection Plan" CD–ROM sporting the TechTool logo, until I tried to use it. As soon as my laptop started crashing (the first day I turned it on), I popped in the CD. After asking me which language I wanted to use, the screen went blank. But I was prepared for even this eventuality: I'd purchased an extended service contract for tech support (TS).

Some of you are no doubt starting to feel alarmed, knowing that a tech support story is coming. You may have suffered one or more TS ordeals. Perhaps you are even having PTST (post tech–support trauma) flashbacks. But I want to reassure you that nothing bad will happen to you — or your computer — as a result of reading this column. The stories in this essay may remind you of horrible tech support situations you have endured, but those are only memories. They can't hurt you now. And, in the end, everything in this column works out. Some of it is actually funny. It's a healing process...

Unfortunately, the salesman at the Apple store never sent in my service contract enrollment card, which meant I didn't have a customer ID. No customer ID = no TS. However, an Apple representative told me he'd set me up with a temporary ID by the next day. Two weeks later I got my temporary ID. I called TS and explained the problem. "It's not our product," they said. "It's TechTool's. You'll have to speak to them."

"But it came with my computer!" I wailed. "It's the AppleCare Protection Plan."

So I called the number he gave me and left a message. The next day I retrieved this voicemail:

"Hello. My name is Steve. I'm calling from Microtek. I just wanted to leave this message in case you were expecting a call back from us, which is not going to resolve your problem. I'm not clear on why Apple, as a company, is giving out our telephone number. Our company produces compact disk and DVD duplication equipment, and it's been in business, doing so, for around twenty years. We're in no way connected with Macintoshes, at all. I wish you luck in your quest."

Quest, shmest, Steve. It only took me a few hours of calling 411, reading fine print, and phoning incorrect companies before I located TechTool's maker and was put through to TS. "We don't provide tech support on that product," they said. "We made that product specifically for Apple, for that computer, to their specifications. You're going to need to get help from Apple."

I called my brother.

My friend Hannah is also a TS survivor. When she ran into a problem using new payroll software, the TS person told her she needed an ID number. (Sound familiar?) He gave her a code. Hannah followed his directions for getting the ID number processed, opened the software . . . and had the same problem as before. She called TS again and a new guy gave her a new code that WORKED! No, I'm kidding. Of course it didn't work.

So Hannah asked to speak to a supervisor. He didn't know the answer, but he had a suggestion: "Have you looked on our website?" he asked. "There's a phone number to call for help."

"This is the number!" my friend burst out. "You're the number it says to call!"

Eventually, Hannah managed to speak to someone competent. It turned out it was a very simple problem to fix that had nothing whatsoever to do with her ID number. She moved on.

But my whole concept of "tech support nightmare" was shattered when I got a call from my friend Lisa. Instead of her usual jaunty lilt, she sounded flat, emotionless. "Today," she said, "I used a voice that, until now, has been reserved for my ex–lover." I was chilled.

I knew I needed to rally around Lisa — along with her other friends, her family, and a team of trained therapists — to help her through The 12 Stages of Tech Support Grief. I was honored to be there for her in her time of need. And, in return, Lisa has been kind enough to allow me to share her story with you so that you, too, know that you can find peace after TS trauma

.

*****

The 12 Stages of Tech Support Grief

1. Politeness

From: lisa@
To: _@MSdeeCentral

Hi Dale,
I have filled out the customer service form you sent. I must say that all fifteen people I have talked to have been very courteous and friendly, and have wanted to help me solve my problem (you included). But the fact that I have spent seven days trying to solve this problem is outrageous. So, I have written a little letter below that I would like to be passed along to supervisors, and supervisors of supervisors. Would you mind forwarding it for me? Thank you very much Dale. And I hope you have a great day.

2. Sarcasm

TS: What program are you using?
Lisa: Dreamweaver
TS: We don't support that.
Lisa: Are you saying that your server doesn't support sites made in Dreamweaver, or that you, personally, won't support me because I use Dreamweaver?

3. Reasoning

From: lisa@
To: _@MSdeeCentral
Date: Monday, __

I am a Web designer. One week ago tonight, I told three of my clients that I would purchase your product for their sites. However, under my contact information on your screen, there is nothing but a comma. The screen told me to check that my contact information is accurate. It is obviously not accurate because I do not live at the address of ",".

The next morning, over three hours, I talked to nine representatives, some in the billing department and some in the tech support department. (Each department insisted that it was the other department's issue.) Each representative had a different suggestion, none of which worked.

Finally a representative told me that they would escalate the problem to a supervisor. They promised that within 48 hours a supervisor would email me that the problem was solved. 48 hours came and went.

4. Bargaining

From: lisa@
To: _@MSdeeCentral
Date: Monday, __

[continued from email above]

I contacted MSdeeCentral again on Thursday morning and told them that I am losing time, money, and credibility with my clients. I told them that I understand that a technical problem can take a while to solve, but in the meanwhile, I insisted, they should give me three free products so I could do my job right away. I was told that my problem would be "escalated hot" and should be solved by noon, but absolutely no later than Thursday evening.

Noon came and went. I called and again was assured that I would hear something by evening. Evening came and went. I again made calls and got nowhere. By Friday morning I had spent seven hours on the telephone with your staff. I expect to receive three free services from you, no later than Tuesday.

5. Irrationality

TS: And what is the problem?
Lisa: I refuse to tell you what the problem is.

6. Seeking a Higher Power

[The third part of Lisa's email to TS, listed under "Reasoning" and "Bargaining" above . . .]

From: lisa@
To: _@MSdeeCentral
Date: Monday, __

On Friday, I was finally allowed to speak with a supervisor, Priscilla. She assured me with great vigor that my case was receiving the highest attention and that she was repeatedly sending emails to get my case resolved and my free services added. She felt confident that it would be solved before they left for the weekend.

They left for the weekend. I was given one free service. One. By that time I needed four because another client had requested the service.

On Monday morning I spoke with Priscilla again. I told her that this case was reaching the level of the ridiculous. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Day eight. I want tomorrow to be the final day of this tech support debacle.

Thank you for your consideration.

7. Tears

Lisa (sobbing uncontrollably): I've been sobbing uncontrollably on the couch.
Sharon: What happened?
Lisa: I'll forward you the email from MSdeeCentral. This is their response to that long complaint letter I sent.

[See 3, 4, and 6 above for complaint letter. See below for MSdeeCentral's response.]

From: "MSdeeCentral Customer Care"
To: lisa@

Hello Lisa,

Thank you for your positive comments about deeCentral support.

We deeply appreciate your concern and comments. Don't worry, as I will forward your letter to our product team managers.

This kind of customer reaction regarding our service and product makes us more driven to provide all of you with nothing but the best.

Thank you very much, Lisa!

Sincerely,

Roy
MSdeeCentral Customer Support

8. Loss of Faith

Lisa: Does this happen to other customers? Is this typical of your tech support?
Priscilla: We take each tech support problem on a case by case basis.
Lisa: Priscilla, just stop it! Just tell me the truth! Does this happen to other people?
Priscilla: No.

9. Threats

Lisa (to TS): I will make it my personal religion to lose you business.

10. Begging Combined with Threats

From: lisa@
To: "MSdeeCentral Customer Care"

Dear Priscilla,

I've been wondering if I have not been clear enough about what I want. So, here is the kind of email I am looking for:

>>Dear Ms. __,

I'm terribly sorry for the incredible inconvenience you have experienced for the past eight days. Let us assure you that this is extremely unusual. Because you have had to spend so much of your valuable time on the phone with our staff, we would like to compensate you with several free products. You will begin receiving our free services immediately.

We would also like to apologize for the number of times that our staff told you we would get back to you at a certain time and didn't. We are usually more responsible and efficient.

Your business is important to us. We hope that the free products will be accepted as a token of friendship, and will encourage you to remain with our service. Thank you very much.

The MSdeeCentral support team<<

If I received an email like that, I would fall all over myself forgiving MSdeeCentral for what they have put me through. If I don't receive an email like that, I will make sure that my colleagues know that MSdeeCentral is not interested in taking care of their customers.

I am a member of the Internet Professionals Northwest, International Webmasters Association, and HTML Writers Guild. I am on web designer and search engine promotion lists. These associations put me in contact with several thousand of my colleagues. I would be happy to join other lists with large memberships in order to send out the complaint letter I sent you yesterday. (It will have to be expanded due to further problems in the past 24 hours.)

I expect to receive a total of four free services, and I expect to receive those no later than Tuesday. That is the bare minimum in compensation. You might want to compensate me beyond that in an effort to help me feel like you are taking care of me as a customer.

All I am asking for is a resolution to my problem, and some compensation for this tech support nightmare. Thank you very much.

Lisa __

11. Denial

Lisa (to Priscilla): This isn't happening. This can't be happening!

12. Acceptance

From: Lisa@
To: Sharon_Wachsler@

I called again today and spoke with the supervisor. I asked her if she had read my complaint letter, and much to my surprise (she says with tongue firmly in cheek), it had been lost. I outlined the content of the letter said that if it had not been responded to by this evening I would dedicate the entirety of my day tomorrow making sure that Web designers and promoters and small–business owners know about this tech support debacle.

Lo and behold, within forty–five minutes I received the email below!

<<
From: "MSdeeCentral Customer Care"
To: Lisa
Subject: Apology

Hello Ms. __,

Thank you for your patience. I do understand your frustration due to the transaction error. This was due to the corrupted contact information we have on file as well as our updated billing system. We were aware of your issue, and it was the top issue to resolve. However, it took our engineers longer to address the issue and test the system to ensure that it's working properly.

I do apologize for the delay in resolving your issue. For the issue, I have added 2 priority services to your account. Once again, thank you for your understanding and patience.

Please let me know if you have any other questions or comments.

Sincerely,
Eric >>

Lisa (continued): I find it interesting that they gave me fewer services than I demanded. I think that I somehow got engaged in a testosterone battle with a male, and he did not want to completely give in, yet he knew that he had better give me something.

I will use the two freebies, but after that I will use another service. They don't do some of the things that MSdeeCentral does, but who the hell cares? At least the service is functional!

*****

You'll be happy to know that Lisa has regained the use of her faculties and is now breathing on her own. However, I would like to point out to anyone who missed it that Eric attributed part of the problem at deeCentral to their updated billing system. Think of that the next time you see one of your technophobic friends lying limp on the floor with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. There's a reason opossums haven't gone extinct.