2005 - Vol. 2, Issue 5

Currently I'm having email problems. I'm handling it by going limp and feigning death — like an opossum being menaced by a particularly venomous Internet service provider. The reason is that I'm afraid of technology. Whenever I try to download or "upgrade" software, it makes my computer unusable. And then I'm stuck, because I don't know how to uninstall the software. So I either have to call in a competent family member (while I huddle in the corner, whimpering) or pay a professional geek $200 to fix the problem.

I wasn't always like this. I went to heroic measures when my former disk drive made gagging sounds instead of relinquishing my disk. I first tried to clear its airway (remove disk with fingers), then performed the Heimlich maneuver (pull out entire drive and shake), before finally attempting a tracheotomy (pry out disk with knife and screwdriver). The drive died on the slab.

I have to write this note
     because I lost my speech
three years ago
     when cancer got my larynx,
back when I was in Ward I,
     before they called me "intermediary,"