February 2026 - Vol. 23, Issue 1

Dysregulation

Dr. Natalia Bondarkeno woke up in her astro-pod on the planet Bahazar. Her nightmare still lingered—a vivid memory of the events that rendered her home planet Earth nearly uninhabitable. The food shortages and environmental crises had only been accelerated by the global conflict, which led to nuclear warfare. For the survivors, Earth was a ticking clock running out of time.

Natalia pressed the air lock that opened her astro-pod and went to the bathroom to pour cold water over her face.

Jesus Christ, Natalia, get control of your mind. Stay focused. Do your job.

If her mission fails, Bahazar would become a social dystopia.

Fight or flight.

Natalia and her team had stabilized the atmosphere, secured a food supply, and prevented cellular degeneration of its inhabitants. Bahazar was a virtual utopia.

But Natalia’s utopia was deferred. Jackson Merchant, CEO of the Prophet Corp, charged with the colonization effort, had appropriated Natalia’s U-pods (her utopian engineered groups of 150 colonists, the key social unit to creating Bahazar’s diverse, inclusive social vision) and sold them off to wealthy elites.

The first 4 U-pods arrived this morning, consisting of Earth’s wealthiest citizens, those willing to pay the highest price for a chance to be reborn in Bahazar’s Eden.

The inequity of Earth all over again.

What’s the use of this mission if we solve every problem except redeeming humanity, she thought, tears gathering in her red-rimmed eyes.

Slowly, Natalia left the bathroom and walked outside, exiting her astro-pod. Bahazar was amazing. Amid all its success, however, Natalia was left with one bitter realization: what she had hyper-focused on for so long–the design of a successful social plan of organizing humans into egalitarian society–was no longer in focus.

Losing Focus

Natalia’s alarm rang at 6am, the first of many she needed to get herself out the door.

Mornings were especially difficult. Dreams from the night before, fantasies, thoughts–they infiltrated her mind as she spun around in an obsessive spiral. Tangents, her mother called them. It wasn’t the content of Natalia’s thoughts that were the problem; it was their timing. Showering before school, Natalia was positing how much social change could have occurred if Dr. Martin Luther King Junior hadn’t been assassinated, a valuable thought exercise given the current violence going on in the world.

Her phone rang–her mother on the other end from downstairs. “I’m going, I’m going,” she snapped and hung up, knowing her mother was doing her a favor by calling to remind her that she’d lost track of time again, lost in her tangents.

In her ninth grade homeroom, Natalia sat awaiting class to begin.  She overheard two girls next to her talking about The Human Connection, a popular show she and her sisters enjoyed.

“Remember when Violet and Theo shared their first kiss at Junior Prom?” whispered Jasmine, a black girl with long braided hair to a girl sitting next to her.

Ruby, a girl with red hair and pale blue eyes, leaned in close to the black girl and whispered back, “I know, right,” in excitement.

“I’ve been waiting all season for this,” Jasmine replied with satisfaction.

Natalia knew she shouldn’t interject, knowing it would seem aggressive to invade their space like this, but the words, loud and angry, burst from her lips. “But Theo dumped Penelope. While at their Junior Prom, Theo kissed Violet passionately on the lips and told her that he would never love another girl as much as he loves her, but I still wish that Theo and Penelope had gone to the prom together.”

Jasmine jolted back nervously. Ruby curled her lips in disgust.

“Wait, don’t you like the relationship between Theo and Penelope. They’re a cute couple, right?” asked Natalia urgently.

The girls looked away.

Natalia felt her failure, grateful when the teacher walked in and class began, because no one would notice her red cheeks and shining eyes and the tight press of her lips holding back tears.

Social cues had always been her downfall. Her ADHD was a pathogen invading her brain, disturbing neurotypical functions and imbuing every interaction with uncertainty. Even worse, sometimes she understood her error, like now. But it wasn’t in time. Never in time to actually do anything about it. Just the sinking realization that she’d messed up once again–it was over and done with.

And worse now it was the only thing she could think about. An entire day wasted, her focus completely shattered. The few times she successfully got her brain to stop replaying the altercation with the two girls, it leapt from tangent to tangent.

While her English teacher talked about grammar rules, Natalia was thinking about the importance of the language of the Harlem Renaissance. While her math teacher was talking about binomials in algebra class, Natalia was thinking about Katherine Johnson, the NASA scientist and human computer. While her chemistry teacher was talking about the periodic table of elements, Natalia was thinking about the Sylvia Plath of Chemistry Rosalind Franklin, who discovered the double helix.

Only in Social Studies was Natalia focused on the lesson at hand, but hyperfocused.

I can’t get out of my own thoughts.

Creativity

“Ms. Dunhill, I just can’t make friends,” confessed Natalia. Every Tuesday, Natalia met with her school social worker—an annoying requirement at first but it had come to be Natalia’s favorite part of the week.

A large part of that was due to Ms. Dunhill’s ability to create a calming atmosphere. Inside her office, there were two brown overstuffed chairs, the smell of lavender always present, and above her desk were three positive quotes in a soothing blue: “Inhale, Exhale, Repeat.” “You are worthy of happiness and peace of mind.” “Taking care of your mental health is an act of self-love.”

“I know how painful that is,” Ms. Dunhill said.

“It’s my ADHD. It always gets in the way,” Natalia mumbled.

“Natalia, have you ever thought that your condition could lead to some strengths?”

Natalia scoffed. “No. Every time, it's just bad: I become upset with myself for always being hyper fixated on certain things.”

“Natalia, hyperfocus can be a wonderful gift. The ability to concentrate on one task for a long time can be rare. People with ADHD are known to be especially creative and resilient, and all that extra energy you struggle to contain on occasion can serve you well in the long run. This extra well of energy, creativity, and hyper focus you have may truly be what helps you succeed later in life.”

Natalia studied Ms. Dunhill, considering her words. It was certainly a new perspective. “Maybe,” she said slowly.

“Think about it,” Ms. Dunhill said gently. “And in the meantime, why don’t you pop by Ms. Ester Goldberg’s office after school? She’s the head of the history department, and she has similar interests to yours. She might have some useful insight.”

Ms. Dunhill was right. Ms. Goldberg, a fifty-something redheaded woman, had placed a book in front of Natalia during their first meeting: The Social Brain: The Psychology of Successful Groups by Robin Dunbar.

“I’ve read him!” Natalia said.

Ms. Goldberg smiled, gesturing for Natalia to continue. So she talked and talked and talked. She told Ms. Goldberg about her interest in social justice and peace, her feelings of being an outsider, and her interest in creating solutions.

“What do you think the root problem is that prevents our world from being what you want it to be?” asked Ms. Goldberg one day.

“Cruelty.” Natalia answered simply and unapologetically.  “Taking cruelty for strength is the most common mistake of youth. Youth only knows life by the intensity of its own feelings…’”

“That’s a powerful quote.”

“It’s from a Ukrainian author my mother read to me.”

Ms. Goldberg leaned back in her seat, sighed, and scanned her bookshelves, filled with history, sociology, and psychology books, years of her own intellectual journey. She looked wonderingly at Natalia, and she asked, “Well, I think you have the right root problem identified–cruelty. But what social structures can solve that?”

“I don’t know,” said Natalia precariously.

“You’ve read Dunbar. Do you remember Dunbar saying that humans are wired to form and maintain relationships, but only up to a manageable number–about 150? This cognitive limit means human well being depends on meaningful social bonds, not endless networks.”

Ms. Goldberg paused to make sure Natalia was following along. “What do you think forms meaningful social bonds?”

Natalia responded, “Social bonds are related to human rituals such as group singing, dancing, and ritual to regularly renew social cohesion and psychological health.”

“I’m curious: do you think that you have meaningful social bonds yourself with your own peers here?” asked Ms. Goldberg.

Natalia paused, slouching in her chair and sighed, “No, I don't, unfortunately, but I really want to.”

“How can you put your theory into practice?”

The next week, Natalia brought Ms. Goldberg a proposal for a new school club and a mission statement, one developed over years of her life. She named the group IDEA: Inclusivity Diversity Equity Awareness. Ms. Goldberg agreed to be the faculty sponsor on the spot.

The next Wednesday, Natalia sat alone in a library study room–the designated meeting place for her new faculty-sponsored IDEA club–at 3:30pm after school, a sign above her written in black sharpie: “Welcome to the first meeting of IDEA.”

The silence was deafening. The clock ticked.  Just when she was about to abandon her effort, the first student to show up was the last person Natalia expected–the black girl from her homeroom, the girl who made her feel terrible the day two months ago.  Natalia remembered how rude and condescending she was. She figured she had come to the wrong group.

“I’m Natalia, and this is the IDEA meeting,” Natalia said tentatively.

‘I, I, I,' stammered Jasmine.“I read the IDEA invitation. I liked the message.”

“You did?”

Jasmine pulled out her phone and read from the IDEA email, “ Through advocacy, education, and meaningful collaboration, we aim to dismantle barriers and cultivate a community where everyone can belong, contribute, and succeed authentically.”

Natalia recognized these words from her mission statement, and she felt inspired.

“What does it mean to you?” Natalia asked.

“Yeah. Based on the mission statement it sounded like a group that will advocate for better rights for women of color,” Jasmine replied.

“It will,” Natalia said. “But…”

“What?”

Natalia hesitated. “You know, you were pretty cruel to me the first time I met you when you and your friend were talking about The Human Connection...”

“Yeah, I know. I feel terrible. It’s just you interrupted and were rambling on about Violet and Theo getting together,” confessed Jasmine.

“It’s my ADHD; I perseverate. It’s a problem,” Natalia admitted.

“Well, if we’re supposed to ‘dismantle barriers’ in this club,” Jasmine responded, “Then, I guess I’ll have to accept that. Being black in a school like this hasn’t been easy, and I want to do what I can to make it better for other girls like me.”

Natalia smiled. “I understand.”

The next week, Jasmine brought Ruby, the other girl who had been callous to her that first day. She too apologized to Natalia, expressing her interest in the group to help try and stop the sexism and objectification happening in the school.

In the coming weeks, two more people show up: Maxwell, a bespectacled brown-haired freshman gay boy with cerebral palsy, and Simon Cortez, a black and Latino junior, who had quit the basketball team of racist bullying. At first, they just listened, as Natalia, Ruby, and Jasmine actively discussed promoting more of a diverse egalitarian society, but they came back the following week.

By Thanksgiving, there were sixteen regulars. They discussed discrimination, posted posters about IDEA with inclusive language, and even convinced the principal to add a gender-neutral bathroom. They called out unfair policies and started a “shout-out wall” acts of anti-cruelty.

Natalia still forgot to do her homework sometimes. She still got distracted in class. But now she had a space where her hyperfocus was her strength and was the focus of the entire club.

Three years into high school, Natalia’s IDEA was thriving as was her research with Ms. Goldberg. However, autocracy had overtaken her home land.  Natalia sat in Ms. Goldberg’s office while quietly reviewing her research notes on social engineering.  Natalia’s hyperfocus had fueled her research, which had impressed her mentors and gotten recognized by several universities. However, the politics at the time conspired against her.

Goldberg broke the silence: “Natalia, I want you to listen to me very carefully.”

“Yes, what is it?” Natalia asked, concerned.

“There’s an issue with this administration. His executive orders are prohibiting schools from promoting diverse ideas. DEI funding is being cut, and anything associated with DEI can lead to the school losing funding.”

“What does that mean for IDEA?”

“I’m sorry, Natalia, but our school administration is under pressure to conform. Also, many religious families complain that DEI is an offence to their religion,” said Ms. Goldberg regretfully.

“I thought this country was a democracy not an autocracy?” asked Natalia.

“Don’t give up on your dream, your IDEA. I will support you,” assured Ms. Goldberg.

Natalia’s IDEA club was slowly dissolved, but she never gave up. She continued to immerse herself in academic research, distinguished herself, and went to study in another country with others engaged in social utopian research.

As the world was unraveling and the Bahazar NASA mission began, Natalia was nominated as a research delegate to support the social planning for the new planet. This was her chance to bring her IDEA back, bring it back on a new utopian planet, and remake the world on Bahazar.

Rumination

Natalia’s original idea was overtaken by greed. Prophet CEO Jackson Merchant was only 20 years old, a child of nepotism; he had the cruelty and limited perspective of youth and wealth.

“Natalia, you and your colleagues have helped create an environmental utopia for our clients, but what do you contribute?,” Jackson asked her the first time they met.

“Jackson, I’m focused on making the new colony civilized and diverse,” Natalia responded confidently.

Jackson laughed, "Civilization and diversity, how’s that going to help us make money?”

“It won’t,” she admitted, feeling stuck. “But if we do not focus on it, the society we are building here will lack focus and be cruel,” she whispered under her breath. She got quiet as her emotions flattened. She didn’t know what to do. She started to zone out and look off to the side. She had something else to say except she couldn’t find the right words to say it.

Natalia returned to her astro-pod, dejected. She felt that familiar sense–that unique triggering experience of a deep dissatisfaction within herself, that feeling that comes when she realizes she has lost control.  And that loss of control leads to the spiral.

Natalia sat at her desk, and she started flipping through her research–journals, chapters from Dunbar, her old notes of her IDEA club.  Her preferred interests. Good thoughts. Bad timing. Her ideas were an endless sea of choppy waters that pulled her deeper. For Natalia, ADHD was like a pathogen that took her off the path, the linear path.

I’m not good enough to do any of this. I’m useless at the most important thing we can do.

Our Spiral

Natalia felt that familiar pain–a tightness in her chest, a pit in her stomach, an elevated heart rate, mental fog and confusion. She had spent a lifetime challenged by her ability to focus, and her condition was part of a broader human condition. With hyperfocus on self-interest, we lose focus on what can be, and utopia is infinitely deferred.

ADHD is not just my neurodivergence; it is part of our problem as a species, so hyper-focused on self-interest that any reality of an equitable world will be deferred, a theory but never a practice.