Spring 2025 - Vol. 22, Issue 2

Watching my friends A. and T. have a baby was the most life changing experience of my  life. My role changed from close friend to their daughter’s cool aunt. They were the first of my  close friends to have a baby and I was excited beyond belief. I bought her toys, clothes and  books. I was delighted and proud to be a part of their little family.

T. had a hard time getting pregnant and suffered three miscarriages. It was heartbreaking  to watch my friends get excited by a positive pregnancy test only to see them become  disappointed once more. T. told me, “If this doesn’t work out we’ll adopt but once you start  actually trying to have a baby it feels different.” I let her vent to me as I had no idea what to say. All I could do was support her.

When she finally had a positive pregnancy stick it was like a weight lifted off her  shoulders but a different weight was put on. She had a traumatic pregnancy to say the least and  I’ll say from the outside looking in nothing made me want to go through pregnancy less. She  ended up in the hospital for pre-eclampsia for about a month. I visited her when I could but I had  a different responsibility. I was watching their fur baby, Hamilton. Hamilton is a rescue dog with  social anxiety who does not like being left alone. Luckily, I had a job where I could stay home  with him all day most days. This was great for my anxiety, Hamilton’s anxiety, and for my  friends who were busy taking care of their future baby, my niece.

T. and A. were aware they would have a premature baby. Albeit scary, it wasn’t the end of  the world. I had friends who were preemies and they all turned out to be fantastic adults. I  figured they’re in the hospital at the “best” children’s hospital in Chicago so their baby would be  completely fine.

Baby J. was born on October 16th 2023. She was so tiny. I knew preemies were small but  I didn’t realize how small. She was so cute and fragile and I couldn’t wait to meet her. I knew it  would be a few weeks but I was ready. I wanted to come visit but that was for their parents and I  completely understood but boy was I excited. I don’t have any siblings and my family is a total  of eight people so to be allowed to be an aunt made my heart soar.

Baby J. was in the hospital for what felt like forever but in reality, it was four months.  She had complications as every preemie does and she came home rocking a trach tube and a GI  tube. The second she was home A. and T. asked me when I wanted to meet her. I met her the next  evening. I was the first friend they allowed her to meet. I was overwhelmed with feelings of joy  and excitement.

There she was my baby girl, my niece. She looked just like A. and was still tiny. Granted  she now weighed seven pounds verses her starting weight at two pounds but still tiny and  delicate. They let me hold her and after a quick picture I said, “I never want to let her go.” She  then proceeded to vomit all over me. I knew she would be a comedian. After all, that is how A. and I met. She already had hilarious timing. Once I cleaned myself up I held her again and I couldn’t stop looking at her. I looked at her face and how peaceful she was. She fell asleep in my  arms and then I realized just how heavy seven pounds was. I knew this little girl was going to  wrap me around her finger for the rest of my life.

T. and I spent her maternity leave together walking her dog and her baby. I had a part  time job selling sex toys and the other part of my days consisted of spending time with their  family. I went with them for “baby’s first and second Target trip” where people thought T. and I  were a lesbian couple. I’m sure if A. was around it would’ve been clearer but we didn’t care what  other people thought. I loved her like she was my own daughter.

I discovered years ago that I might not be able to have children. If I am able to have  children, pregnancy will be a struggle for me. I don’t know if going through that pain is worth it.  Plus I was an aunt, I didn’t need a baby if I had her.

Time went by and she developed a personality. She was my silly, smiley, smart, sweet  girl. She loved being read to and she loved to play with knives. I think she just wanted to scare  those around her. We talked about the kind of woman she would become, how we all wanted her  to be a doctor or a lawyer or something that makes a lot of money. A., T. and myself all got our  degrees in theater. Oddly enough not at the same place, we just happened to all find each other.  We were planning her life and everything was fine. Her trach tube was out, she didn’t need a GI  tube anymore, everything was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

A., T. and Baby J. were on their way to Mexico for a vacation. I later got a text message  that on the flight Baby J. went lifeless during a diaper change. My body froze. I held my phone  tightly and couldn’t believe what I was reading. What does that mean? I was told I’d get more  details later. Baby J. survived so much in her little life, of course she’d survive this too.

Twenty-four hours went by and I just wanted an update. I wanted to make sure my sweet  smiley girl was okay. I texted A. asking how things were and he informed me they think that she  was having seizures. As a person with epilepsy, I had a sigh of relief. Sure, seizures sucked but I  knew I could talk to her about it and explain how to live with it when she got older. It was all

going to be okay.

“I just want our baby back,” A. texted me. I didn’t quite understand what he meant at the  time. Was she away? Did he not get to physically see her? What did that mean? This was  certainly not the time to ask for all the specifics but I asked, “Do you get to see and be with her?”  He said, “We do.” I didn’t understand what this “back” was. Looking back at this moment, I  knew exactly what that meant. I think my brain couldn’t or wouldn’t accept what was happening.

That evening as I was waking up in the state of being half asleep and half awake Baby J. came and smiled at me. We played and she waved. I thought it was fear of the unknown. I am an  anxious person who can catastrophize situations. I called my mom and I asked, “Do you think she’s going to die?” My mom said, “No, of course not.” I asked my partner Tom the same  question, “She’s survived so much, she’s not going to die.” I felt some relief because maybe just  maybe I was overthinking it.

I was going to my screenwriting class that evening when I get a call from A.. I  immediately picked up, “A., what’s happening?” I asked out of breath. If it was good news he  would’ve texted me. This was a phone call. This was different. Maybe it was great news! Maybe  it was so good that he was too excited to text me and he had to call. I think my brain was  protecting myself before I heard the words, “She’s not going to make it.”

My world stopped. Everything around me froze. I was looking at the clock five minutes  before class was going to start. The only thing I could look at was the clock while I listened to  his voice. “Oh A.. I am so sorry.” I began to cry and started having a panic attack. I asked, “What  can I do, tell me what I can do?” The absolute worst question to ask, you don’t ask a grieving  person to do a task but I couldn’t believe it. A. told me, “First, I need you to breathe.” I stopped  in my tracks and took a deep breath, once I exhaled I was able to focus more. Barely but I  remember asking, “Do you need me to come to you?” They were in Dallas because that’s where  the plane emergency landed. I wanted to hug my friends, I wanted to fix their broken hearts, I  wanted to say goodbye.

In life we don’t always get what we want. I wasn’t able to hug my friends, I wasn’t able  to fix their hearts, and I wasn’t able to say goodbye. “I got to be her dad for the past sixteen  months and I will love and cherish that time.” I might be paraphrasing because I started to  dissociate. I wish I could say, I didn’t go to class I went home and cried with Tom. I didn’t  though, I went to class. I don’t remember that class but I know I was physically there.

A few days later I received the following text, “Baby J. passed at 11:59 a.m. peacefully.”  I broke down in ways I never thought possible. I’ve had pets die, family members die, even  relationships die that broke my heart but nothing in this world could’ve prepared me for this level of hurt. I screamed, I cried, I was mad at God for taking away such a beautiful soul when  there is so much evil in the world. I will always be her aunt, I will always be there for my  friends, but I know there’s a part of us that will forever be broken.