2007 - Vol. 4, Issue 4

John: Where did you grow up?

Arden: Lafayette, Louisiana

Where do you live now?

I split my time between Roanoke, Virginia, for school and Boston, Massachusetts, when school is not in session.

What aspects of you define your identity?

I think everything that makes up me defines my identity, but I'm most conscious of the elements that differ from the majority as being defining. So, I am more conscious of my (queer) sexuality more than my (white) race, even though I believe they are both equally important. I strongly feel the aspects of my queer, genderqueer, transgendered, and disabled identity. The disabled part has been the hardest for me to incorporate because of the way in which my symptoms come and go. They vary from completely hidden to an all–you–can–stomach buffet of anxiety, paranoia, hallucination, and angst. There are also the more fun aspects of my identity: poet, writer, reader, athlete, mountaineer, and other things that slip my mind when I make a list.

What kind of vocabulary do you use to define yourself?

I tend to start with a term that I think someone will recognize, and then clarify from there. For example, with mental health stuff, I'm bipolar, which is a fairly recognized condition. Then, I supplement the term with how the specifics of my condition manifest. Sometimes what I say matches up with people's perceptions of bipolar or mental illness, other times it is dramatically different. Vocabulary functions best in the context of sentences and paragraphs.

What kind of terminology do you detest?

What I really dislike is how words have shifted from medical terms into phrases that are thrown around or used as insults. When I talk about having been psychotic, I'm being literal. The impact of that word decreases in accuracy and importance when people think I'm using it casually the way someone who hasn't eaten since lunch might say, "I'm starving." I try to use language accurately and conscientiously.

What communities do you belong to?

As with identity, I belong to more communities than I feel like an active participant in. I call the Queer community and the Disability community home. I'm also a graduate student so the students and professors at my university make up my primary community. I love my school and am constantly remarking on how wonderful the people I get to spend so much time with are.

How does your disability affect your daily life?

There is the daily life of being a person who has a disability whose symptoms are not constant. Then, there is the daily life when everything is flaring up on the manic level. I stop making sense and I carry my body differently, in a tight sort of shuffle. I don't make good decisions because my ability to accurately perceive the world has gone out of the window without my notice. This results in me telling people that I'm OK when I'm not. There is also the daily life on the depressive end, when everything drops down to the not–quite bottom. I can't push up past the level of drowning in feeling. The sensation is like life is, has, and always will be overwhelmingly dismal. My biggest concern is how my disability affects the daily lives of the people who are important to me.

Is it relevant to your academic studies?

School doesn't trigger my problems, but it is affected when they hit. I've missed days of school when I've been too depressed/paranoid/anxious to go to class. I've also been hospitalized. I graduated late because of mental illness. I absolutely would not have been able to do school without the extensions that my professors and deans granted me.

Sometimes people think that my academic success is either a triumph over disability or an indication that my disability is nonexistent. School enables me to do well because it offers structure, order, and support. I feel more secure about the potential for me to get a PhD than a job. I've definitely called in "sick" when my symptoms have been out of control. I worry about discrimination in the hiring process since I want to teach writing and literature, and some of my writing concerns my mental health.

How does your writing factor in?

I primarily write poetry. Disability appears in the poems' topics: a psychotic episode, a wrecked relationship, a vision. I've recently begun to explore the essay, and at some point would like to pull together a cohesive statement on mental health that examines and alters the common metaphors used to discuss the topic.

Have you been published outside of Breath & Shadow?

Yes. I need to get off of my butt and send out more work. I just had a book review published in The Hollins Critic, and work accepted by Ghoti online.

What are some beneficial things that people have done in regards to your bipolar disorder?

Anyone who sticks around gets huge points. Also, I love it when a therapist helps me keep track of time so that I can gauge how long problems have been presenting themselves.

What has been harmful?

Here's a longer list. The assigning of motive to symptoms has been harmful. If I've dropped off the face of the earth it's more likely that I'm having a depressive episode than trying to be a jerk. Being disbelieved is pretty nasty too. I'm sick of hearing people say that nothing is wrong with me, and it's equally disturbing hearing that there is too much wrong with me.

What do you do in your free time?

Read, write, hang out with people, surf the internet, organize, travel, run, and play rugby.

What are your goals?

To be an established poet and a parent.

What is a quote that you enjoy?

"Nothing is done entirely for nothing. Nothing is wasted. Lessons were learned. Events occurred, as it was proper for them to do. I do not perceive that my attention was wasted." [That is] from Neil Gaimen's book The Dream Hunters.

What are three things that you would change about yourself?

I had terrible experiences with meds and a five–year hiatus before finding one that worked. If I had a time machine, I would make it so that I got the good drug sooner. I'd like to be better at sustaining romantic and platonic relationships. The ability to spit platinum would be pretty cool too.

And three things about yourself that you would hold onto above others?

My creativity, sense of humor, and adaptability.