2007 - Vol. 4, Issue 3

Arden: Where did you grow up?

John: I grew up in Albany, New York. Like everyone who has lived in a certain area for a long time, I tend to deprecate a lot of the more positive aspects of it. I've traveled pretty extensively in the sense of living other places — I lived in Washington Heights off and on when I was younger, and my big dream is to live in NYC — but I've always ended up back here for some reason. Living in an urban area has, for better or worse, basically shaped my poetry and will probably to continue to inform any creative work I engage in.

Where do you live now?

Albany. The one thing I can't stand about it is that there aren't many networks for poetry or the arts. There's only one museum and there's an "Albany Poets" group but it has more to do with socializing and doing "performance poetry" than working on the stuff and reading it.

What aspects of you define your identity?

I think all of our identities are pretty fluid and subject to more or less constant change. I try not to cling to any one attribute of myself because that causes stagnation, but there are recurrent themes: I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and everything involved in that has made a huge difference in my life. I don't talk about it much with people unless they are as well and don't think about it all the time, but I can feel myself changing every day I'm clean, noticing different things, etc. The other aspect that keeps coming up is my identity as a poet, which is too abstract and otherworldly for a whole lot of people to understand right off the bat. My position in life has really put me in a strange, displaced space that I feel more comfortable with every day. That's been there my whole life.

What kind of vocabulary do you use to discuss yourself?

I like to mess around sometimes and portray myself as a total cynic and use black humor very regularly. I often don't how to describe myself if asked directly. I am primarily a writer, thinker, and political activist; everything else is incidental in a lot of ways.

What terminology do you detest?

That'd be a long list, so I'll restrain myself for the sake of our readers' patience. People who constantly use words like "team player," "motivation," "stoked," all that kind "Rah Rah!" lingo has always made my stomach churn. All of these things refer to very necessary parts of human life, but in my experience you really have to watch out for the people who use them ad nauseam. They define themselves collectively to the exclusion of anything else, and it gets frightening.

What communities do you belong to?

Because of the disorders I have — Bipolar II, a cognitive learning disability that has both utilitarian and emotional consequences, and mild PTSD, I have always identified myself with anyone who has an unusual (by societal standards, of course) position in life or who suffers more than the average person. I instinctively feel at home with others who are similarly afflicted or who are just strange in some way. I have been that way my entire life, which is why belonging to Breath & Shadow is so ideal. I also belong to Amnesty International, MoveOn.Org, and a few other groups of people who want to do something about the condition of this country.

How does your disability affect your daily life?

The biggest problem that my disorders bring me in the everyday sense falls into the organizational realm; I bring new meaning to the term "absent–minded." The LD I've had my whole life gives me an abnormal capacity for ideational activity but on the other hand gives me problems in the concrete world. I don't drive much, and when I do I drive badly. It also gives me difficulty in feeling things like achievement, a sense of continuity or future, and I have very little capacity to feel anything I accomplish. The other two disorders I believe I've gotten under control, though I get a vicious case of the blues every now and then and am rendered immobile.

Is it relevant to your studies of philosophy?

I'd tend to think so. When I was 14 I became really obsessed with philosophy and did little but read constantly. I was a walking abstraction for years. Probably as a result of my LD I never felt much meaning in life and sought it out constantly in books and art. By the time I got to college I knew what was being taught by heart and that made it far easier than it should have been.

How does your writing factor in?

The urge to write has always been an unconscious sort of drive that only became conscious a few years ago. Pretty much all my heroes are artists and writers. When I write I try to make sense of things, give it a form and justify some of the things I've experienced as a person. I think this is the goal of all art in one way or another. It also comes down to a basic love of words: I'm hooked on the enchantment they can produce in myself and others.

Have you been published outside of Breath & Shadow?

Yes, though I'd like to mention that Breath & Shadow was the first publication generous enough to pay me. My work has appeared in 29 journals thus far, and I'm hoping to publish a chapbook sometime before the end of this year.

What are some beneficial things that people have done in regards to your Bipolar?

I've been hospitalized a few times as a result of my illnesses, and I've met some great doctors who treated me like a human being and had a personal, not just professional, interest in my welfare and helping me to get better. From these people I learned a few key things: you've got to take responsibility for your disability in the sense of not running to destructive things and expecting loads of medication to do everything for you. The answer isn't to look away from your disorders but to stare them full in the face. There's a whole pharmaceutical industry out there that banks on people's misery: every time you turn on the TV you see a commercial for a new medication of some kind. Corporations make more money off drugs than people who sell them on the street.

What has been harmful?

Well, I've been in situations where people who were supposed to be licensed psychiatrists or counselors were more than happy to drug me into oblivion and collect their paychecks. The mentally ill are taken advantage of more than any other minority, in my opinion; I've seen people whose lives were wasted because they took the advice of people who didn't really have their welfare in mind — [only] their money. Beware of any doctor who is quick to throw narcotics at you; that would be my advice to anyone with Bipolar disorder. Also, draw a fine line between your character defects and your illness, so that on the one hand you don't excuse everything you do as a result of a disorder and on the other, you know when it is your disorder and to give yourself a break.

What do you do in your free time?

These days I write, help with Breath & Shadow, read, and spend time with friends. A lot of my activities are still recovery based, but not nearly as much as before. I also work out as much as I can and have a love affair with the sport of boxing. There's an aesthetic to it I can't articulate.

What are your goals?

My main goal, which overrides all others, is to be the most accomplished poet I can be. Poetry comes before everything else right now and I intend to make it stay that way for awhile. If I can write just one indispensable poem, I'll be happy with my life. Other than that, I want to be a good person and continue to help other addicts like myself. I've found through this whole journey of being disabled that empathy — genuine empathy — is the most important thing people can offer to each other, disabled or not.

What is a quote that you enjoy?

Giacomo Leopardi, one of my favorite poets, summed up a lot about art with his quote: "Works of genius have this in common, that even when they vividly capture the nothingness of things, when they clearly show and make us feel the inevitable unhappiness of life, when they express terrible despair, nonetheless to a great soul: though he find himself in a state of duress, disillusion, nothingness, despair of life, in bitterest misfortunes, these works always console and rekindle enthusiasm; and though they treat or represent only death they give back to him at least temporarily that life which he had lost."

What are three things that you would change about yourself and three things about yourself that you would hold onto above others?

I'd like to become more trusting of others, I'd like to be organized, and I'd like to be more communicative. These are three qualities I really prize in others: thoughtfulness, compassion, and understanding.