2004 - Vol. 1, Issue 7

I've just celebrated the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, which has me in a reflective mood. I also have about 3,285,696,472 sticky notes worth of ideas for humor columns based on things I've seen or heard since last fall. So, I've decided to gather this precious "foliage of folly" to take a humorous, retrospective look at the past year.

But, I'll level with you: I'm afraid to poke fun of truly hideous concepts because, if the past year has taught me one thing, it's that ridiculously implausible events keep coming to pass. The question is, what forces are driving these bizarre realities? My theory is that major policy makers, advertisers, TV execs, etc., are reading humor columns and thinking, "Gee, that might work..."

For instance, remember my column that suggested that George W. Bush had ADD? A week later, a columnist for the Wall Street Journal used the same gag. It's not that I think she was plagiarizing me (although the timing is suspicious), it's that now the joke has taken on a life of its own – as if many people really believe it, at least to some degree. Who knows? Maybe W. does have ADD. The word "Alzheimer's" was certainly in the air (and not in a kind way) when Reagan repeated "I don't remember" throughout the Iran-Contra hearings, and that lampoon turned out to be sadly on target.

It makes it tough on us satirists if our brilliantly creative leaps of outlandish imagination later come true. Indeed, if this happens enough, our readers may think that we're paying attention to world affairs, following trends to their logical ends, and making valid conclusions based on those observations. We'll lose all respect! People will start to believe us. I feel nauseated.

Monday's satire is Friday's hard news. I remember laughing 'til I ached when The Onion ran a front-page "news" analysis of the 2000 (s)election which referred to Al Gore as "the opposition party leader" and George W. as "leader of the ruling party." It discussed in BBC–esque tones the possibilities for a provisional government and the presence of domestic and foreign observers. Been listening to the news lately? Now it's coming true: the UN has been asked to oversee our upcoming elections.

And all these reality shows that have clogged up our airways like so many proverbial giant slugs? Over a decade ago, syndicated humor columnist Dave Barry proposed a TV show called "Eat Bugs For Money" wherein contestants would write down how much money it would take for them to eat a live insect. The lowest bidder would have to do the deed. Barry explains, "['Eat Bugs For Money' is] still in the conceptual stage. . . . I'd like to produce a pilot episode of "Eat Bugs For Money" with an eye toward – call me a Cultural Pioneer – advancing the frontiers of my income." How scary is that: Barry was playing the role of cultural pioneer! In 2004 there've been scores of shows wherein multiple contestants eat large handfuls of humungous, hairy insects, and often don't win any money at all.

You may be thinking, "This is nothing new. There are always press malapropisms, hideous products, or dorky leaders saying something profoundly stupid. Remember Dan Quayle. Remember Hair–in–a–Can. Remember Dan Quayle." Nonetheless, these absurdities have recently converged with shocking frequency, abundance, and diversity. I have so much of this material, in fact, that I can't even cram into one column the choicest nonsense I've been subjected to in the past year. So, I've had to break the article into two parts. You're reading Part 1, which focuses on advertising. Part 2 will focus on TV, media reportage, and language usage.

Advertising

This is such a burning, itching, inflamed area of humor that it was hard to choose the very best (rather, "worst") in the category. However, I have now taken a good, long, hard, throbbing look at my many notes and, using a Patented Scientific Method, shipped direct from Canada to you at no charge – along with a low-cost dipploma requirring no shcooling watsoever – chosen the advertisements that are the most ludicrous.

♦ "Carefree" Thong Panty Shields. I'm not even going to address the concept of the thong itself as an expensive, self-inflicted wedgie. However, even if one (such as Sarah Jessica Parker) chose to wear a thong on occasion, would she not forego it in favor of a more reasonable undergarment when Aunt Flo visited? Are there actually women gullible enough to expect their menstrual flow to be contained by a pad that will fit onto something that is literally* the width of a toothpick? (*For more on "literally," see Part 2.)

♦ Speaking of gullible, how about anyone who buys "The Natural Bra": two crescents of synthetic, adhesive material that lift one's breasts without straps or wires? What a brilliant, new idea. Too bad models have been using a similar substance for decades. It's called "duct tape." "The Natural Bra" (which is for women with smallish breasts) also comes with a "cleavage clip." This is a little hook that pulls the two cups together to create – you guessed it – cleavage!

♦ On the subject of painful, misogynistic products, have you seen the commercial for the "Hair Off Facial Buffer"? This is directed at women who want to get rid of "unsightly" facial hair by slipping a buffing device over their fingers and going to work on their upper lips. I have a belt sander somewhere...

♦ On the topic of dangerous home accidents, I'd like to introduce you to Phillips Home Defibrillator Paddles. That's right. Now you can pretend you're Dr. Weaver on ER and when a loved one goes into cardiac arrest (or when you just think he has), instead of using standard CPR or waiting around for trained medical professionals to arrive, you can whip out your Home Defibrillator Paddles, shout, "Clear!" and zap your honey's chest with enough voltage to kill – I mean, save – him! Don't wait! Be the first in line for the inevitable class action suit!

♦ Also in the "medical" arena, we have the television commercial wherein a naked woman stands on a rotating podium, her hands over her breasts; in the background are x–rays on the walls and the sound of a heart monitor beeping. What an idiot I was for thinking that this ad had something to do with breast cancer or heart disease. Of course, anyone with a grain of sense would know that it's a plug (sorry) for Monistat, the yeast infection creme. Nothing screams "over–the–counter vaginal suppository for minor infection" like a heart monitor, x-rays, and naked breasts.

♦ "When is a diet pill worth $153 a bottle?" asks a svelte man holding the aforementioned bottle. "When it works. Really works." He says "$153 a bottle" a few more times to underline the importance of spending gobs of money, explaining, "Leptoprin is much too expensive and much too powerful for the casual dieter." That's right. This corner of the diet industry is actually using the exorbitant cost of their product (which, if it's true to form, will fail, as 90 percent of all diets do) as a selling point.

♦Speaking of selling points, am I the only one who hates the Viagra commercial wherein a business-suited, middle-aged, attractive guy is beset by friends, strangers, and coworkers all dying to know what's so different about him? "Bob, did you get your hair cut? Bob, did you lose weight? Are those new glasses, Bob?" With a knowing smile on his face, Bob says "no" to all of them. The answer is that Bob "finally asked his doctor about Viagra!" Swell. Uh, or rather, for the record, if it was me, and some coworker walked into my cubicle with a goofy smile and a big ol' erection, I would not ask him playfully whether he'd been working out. I would ask him playfully if he wanted to be fired for sexual harassment.

♦ Judging by my e–mail "in" box, many people do think I have an impotence problem and that I should take medication - any medication. My favorite of these spams is the one below because of its sheer determination not to follow any grammatical rules whatsoever, along with convincing me that I have every conceivable medical problem (except the scores of medical problems I actually have!). Here is the complete, unedited text (except for the contact info): "Are you depressed?, Feeling fat?, High in Cholesterol?, Anxiety problems?, Skin too dry?, Constipated?, Have heart burn?, Men & Women's Health, Impotence, Heartburn, Migraines, Cant sleep well... Well heres the answer to solve that problems. Medication that get you back on the road, make you feel free again, and enjoy one's life. Here's Our Best Seller Drugs in the Net with Low Price:"

♦I must admit, however, that if I weren't sleeping well, I might be tempted to learn more about the Tempurpedic Mattress, which is "the only mattress recognized by NASA." (How is it possible that trained scientists don't even know what a mattress looks like?) The mattress is made of a "revolutionary material" that molds to fit your body; it sinks in where you sink and then springs back to its previous shape when you stand up. The Tempurpedic folks offer: "We'll rush you information and a sample of this revolutionary material," which, to my admittedly untrained eye (I haven't taken a mattress recognition course) bears a remarkable resemblance to a square of yellow foam. I toyed with calling NASA to ask them about Tempurpedic, but I don't know anyone at NASA, so I thought it might be awkward. And, as I learned from another commercial . . .

♦ "The key to life is not what you know. It's who you know. Jesus." This was a real revelation (ha) to me. It's true that I've found it extremely helpful to know a potential coworker when trying to get an interview or to receive an introduction to an editor from a fellow writer. I've heard the expression "connections are everything" but I just assumed these connections had to be – you know – alive. Is it kosher (or, whatever) to ask a deity to write me a letter of recommendation? At any rate, this commercial got me thinking about a bold, new concept: "Networking with Jesus," which could be a cross (sorry) between a reality and a self-help/Dr. Phil type format of...

Television Show(s)...

Tune in to a future issue of Breath & Shadow for Part 2 of this column. I'll present the best of the worst of last year's assault on TV viewers, press consumers, and respectful users of the English language. Hopefully none of my witty ideas will come true.