2004 - Vol. 1, Issue 7

Synopsis

Lying In It is a comedy/drama that centers on a few weeks in the lives of Dan, a butch dyke, and JB, a femme fag. An alternative family of two, Dan and JB live in a one-bedroom Greenwich Village apartment and sleep in the same bed.

Dan is an incest survivor and JB is HIV positive. Throughout the story Dan and JB struggle to maintain the intimacy they have created living in such close quarters, while they come to terms with the realities of their lives.

Lying In It combines traditional dialogue with narrative monologues spoken directly to the audience. Edgy and funny at unexpected times, the play's characters use humor to avoid their own pain, as well as each other's. The use of adult language, limited nudity, and graphic sexual reference reflect both contemporary times and queer culture.

Excerpts of Scenes from Lying in It

  (JB is about to leave the apartment)

JB
I'm going jogging with this guy I met at the gym yesterday –

DAN
Did you take your drugs?

JB
Yup. So, I'll see you later. . . . Are you gonna be all right?

DAN
Sure. Why not?

JB
Well, last night. . . .

DAN
Oh, that. I'm fine. Should I order Chinese tonight?

  (SHE goes into the bathroom)

JB
No, don't wait for me. I'll see you later.

DAN

  (From offstage)

Hey, don't forget your cocktail for tonight. And I noticed you're running low on AZT. . . .

  (Sticking out HER head)

When you're refilling it, would you buy me some tampons? Please?

JB

  (Rolling HIS eyes and sighing resignedly)

Yeah, sure, fine. What do you want, OP?

DAN
OB, you jerk!

JB
No problem.

DAN
Thanks, "dear."

JB
Eeuuw. That sounds so awful.

DAN
Sorry, I meant to say "fuck you."

JB
Well, fuck you right back, baybee.

  (HE leaves. The lights change as SHE
     comes out of the bathroom. During the next
     monologue SHE gets ready to leave.)

DAN

  (To audience)

I'm in therapy now. JB's making me go. I don't know if I can stand it, though. I have enough trouble being me as it is. I really don't want to find out what other awful shit is trapped in there. But JB thinks it'll help me feel better. I don't know why he's such a big fuckin' fan. He spent a year and a half going to some guy who tried to cure him of being gay. Now he goes to those Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. His mom is one of those upscale–all–alone–in–a–big–house–social drinkers, you know. That's actually how he met Rafe. The two of them would go together. Don't get me started on that. I mean, I liked Rafe and everything, but that 12-step togetherness thing rubbed me the wrong way. It's sort of like a cult, you know? But I keep hoping JB'll get something out of it and take better care of himself.

Anyway, I guess I like my shrink well enough. She's a dyke. And she's been through it, too, like me. She thinks at some point I need to confront my father, you know, about what he did to me. But I'm like, I don't know – he's paying for my MFA – what am I supposed to do? Sometimes I think I can't stay inside my skin for even one more second. But JB's amazing. I get these night-fright things sometimes, you know, where I'll wake up screaming and sweating and stuff. He never gets upset. He just asks me what I need. Sometimes I make him get up and check that all the windows and doors are locked. And he does it without making me feel like I'm totally out of my mind. It's gotta be hard for him, living with me in so much pain all the time, acting like an asshole a lot, being a slob – I know he hates that but I can't help myself. But he never says anything. Sometimes I think I could never love another person as much as I love JB, you know, like a girlfriend. I wonder if he feels that way, too...

* * * * *

   (JB is eating dinner. DAN enters.
     SHE wears baggy pants, oxford
     shirt, nice shoes - hard, serviceable)

DAN
So, whaddya think?

  (HE looks HER up and down)

JB
Whatever happened to Fay Wray – that delicate satin draped frame?

DAN
Cut it out. This is serious.

JB
You're the dream dyke.

DAN
Thanks. You're not so bad yourself . . . Helmet-hair!

  (SHE messes up HIS hair)

JB
Dan, Goddammit, Dan, I had just gotten it to behave! What if I did that to you?

DAN
Stop bitching.

JB
I can't. It's in my nature. Besides, you wouldn't love me unless I was exactly how I am.

DAN
Too true. . . . So, you really think I look okay?

JB
Good enough to eat.

  (SHE hits HIM)

Yes, yes! You look great! In a lesbian sort of way. . . .

  (SHE glares)

What? Okay. . . . What is this thing you're going to, anyway?

DAN
It's a party being given by one of my photography professors, RainCloud –

JB
RainCloud?

DAN
Yes, that's her name and – what?

JB
Nothing.

DAN
And she asked me specifically to come. She thinks it'll be a good way for me to meet the right people.

JB
And who might those be, Woodtree Nymph and Antifreeze?

DAN
As a matter of fact, Jerard Benton, it may be that Woodtree Nymph and Antifreeze might want to show my work at their gallery. And you better hope they do, because it'll be your snotty face they'll see plastered all over the damn walls. You are such a judgmental pig.

JB
Me? Who in this house is queen of the Politically Correct Police?

DAN
Well, I'm certainly not the queen. Ugh, JB, I should just kill myself right now...

JB
Nervous?

DAN
Seriously.

JB
Why? You'll be great. You're a talented, pushy, overbearing, opinionated control freak. Lesbians love that. Oh, and cute. Did I say cute?

DAN
You are not making me feel better. Can't you be serious for even like, two seconds?

JB
Okay, okay. What time is this shindig, anyway?

DAN
8:00. It's at 8:00, and I am not prepared.

JB
Prepared. What are we talking about?

DAN
What do you mean? Obviously, we're talking about my career as a burgeoning photographic talent. The next Berenice Abbott. I'm sure she was a gigantic dyke.

JB
You think everyone's a dyke. You almost had me convinced that I was one. Good thing I got laid that night or I would have gone through with the operation.

DAN
Is it just me, or does everyone get to see your puckering asshole?

JB
My, we are bitchy this evening. Maybe we should try slender-regular.

DAN
Maybe we should try shutting up.

JB
Ooh! Pierced by her stabbing wit! He goes down, ladies and gentlemen! Not a dry eye in the house, as our hero breathes his last!

  (HE catches HER glare)

Sorry. I don't think we've met. My name's JB. I used to share this apartment with a funny person. Her sense of humor got sucked out of her by a heinous disease called Pre–fame–us Ego–itis. Made her take herself so seriously that her head exploded. I think she did it on purpose, actually. You know, to get on my nerves just one last time. All that mess. . . . Never could get that blood stain out of the carpet-

DAN

  (SHE sits)

God! There are going to be women at this stupid thing. They're going to be all patting me on the back and flirting and squeezing my elbow and shit and then I'm going to flip out and lock myself in the bathroom, and then RainCloud's gonna really think I'm some fucked-up nut case, which I am, but she doesn't have to know that. I can't believe I'm 31 years old! I didn't used to have a problem promoting myself, you know? Now, it's like – my photographs are good, I know that, I just – ugh! Why can't it just be easy?

JB
What, sweetie?

DAN
You know. Life. Sex. (Pause) Hey, whatever happened to Rafe? I liked him. And he sure seemed to like you. He never calls you anymore. Are you all in touch? I bet he could be part of a family unit and not fuck it up too badly. And you, too, I guess.

JB

  (HE gets up, gestures to the food)

Do you want some of this before I put it away?

DAN
Do you want me to barf? Why are you even offering to feed me?

JB
Sorry. Thought I was being polite.

DAN
You're never polite. We are never polite. What is this "polite"?

JB
Maybe we should try it.

DAN
What is wrong with you?

JB
(June Cleaver-esque) My Goddess, just look at the time! 7:40 already. You'd better be going if you want to get to your little party on time. Now, drive carefully and don't stay out too late. . . . You know how your father and I will worry.

DAN
Nice try. What'd I say?

JB
Nothing. I'm fine. (Pause) Now, get out.

DAN
No, no, no. No, I know that - that - thing you do, that you're doing now. Spit it out. It's about Rafe isn't it? Come on. Tonight is only the most important night of my life, I'm unbelievably stressed out, and every minute that I stand here arguing with you is a minute less chance I'll have of getting a show, but hey! What's a little career between friends?

JB
Dan, go! Go to your party and leave me alone. How else can I say it? Get out. Leave. Be gone!

DAN
You'd better be nice to me because when I'm rich and famous, I'll be splitting that money with you. (Long pause) Which you'll need most of to take care of the kids.

JB
What? What kids?

DAN
The kids, JB. Our kids, the ones we're going to adopt, unless you have a better idea. Ooh, I'm getting wrinkled. Why didn't you tell me?

  (SHE stands up, smoothes out HER pants)

JB
Wrinkled is in. Kids, on the other hand, are out. What are we talking about?

DAN
Hey, I think we'd be pretty good parents.

JB
To a dog, maybe. Dan, come back to me, here. I hate kids. You know I hate kids.

DAN
You are great with kids. Anyway, you wouldn't hate our kids.

JB
That's not the point. Why would you even joke about us having children together?

DAN
I don't know. 'Cause it's how I feel. Sometimes. Look, don't get your panties in a bunch. It was just a thought.

  (Checking the time)

Wow, I really am gonna be late.

  (SHE starts getting ready to go)

JB
Oh, so now you're leaving, just like that? "I'm a fucked-up nut case, let's have kids. Bye"?

DAN
Hey, maybe we should get a dog. Think about it. I gotta go-

JB
Don't do that. I hate when you do that.

DAN
What?

  (SHE is getting HER coat, etc.)

JB
You say, "Think about it" and then while I'm thinking about it, you go ahead and do whatever it is and then I have to live with it because you say it took me too long to make up my mind.

DAN
Leave the hall light on for me? Thanks, hon. Don't wait up.

JB
Do not come home with an adorable puppy, Dan. And do not get pregnant.

  (SHE stares at HIM)

DAN
How in the fuck do you think I could get pregnant?

  (SHE goes to leave)

JB
I'm serious, Dan. NO DOGS.

  (SHE exits)

We're gonna have a dog.

  (HE turns to the audience)

She's impossible, you know. With her, everything's a dramarama. She's like Shirley Temple gone leather dyke. All that buzzed–hair–attitude shit is to make sure people stay at a safe distance. Which they mostly do. But when they don't, buy me a plane ticket to Alaska. I have heard her lay into people so bad I could actually see their skin peeling off. We bitch at each other a lot, but we've never really had a fight. I think she's afraid to, with me.

I forget why I was there at that gas station the day of her memories. I was probably trying to seduce the gas attendant. Oh, yes. He had very, very blue eyes. And dark skin. Mmm. Anyway, so I was getting him or somebody to check the air in my tires when I hear this screaming. So I run to the ladies' room, you know, where it's coming from. And the door is locked. So I start pounding and calling her name, Dan's name. I still don't know how I knew it was her. We'd only met a few times. I mean, I saw her around a bit, you know, her political actions. I guess her voice is pretty distinctive. She dated my friend Finn for a while. That's actually how we met. Finn's real name was Martha, of course. But she had that Huckleberry Finn fantasy most little dykes have after hearing Sleeping Beauty a couple of times. I, on the other hand, hated Mark Twain, hated getting dirty and longed for the life of the femme–fatale. Nelly to the core. I was a natural. Barely needed any training. I think my mother started to suspect I wasn't like the other little boys when I was in the sixth grade and I dressed up as Liza Minelli for Halloween. She wouldn't let me go trick or treating until I changed into something "appropriate" like a ghoul or Charles Manson or, oh, I can't remember now. Maybe I didn't go at all...

Anyway, so there I am pounding on this door, and I manage to get it open and there's Dan lying all curled up on the floor, and I knew – I don't know how I knew – but I knew right away that she was having a flashback, just like a Vietnam vet. So I told her I wasn't her dad and that she was a grown-up and all that good stuff. After a while she looked at me and she was so embarrassed. And I just said, "Can I take you home?" and she said, "Please." And then I stayed for the rest of my life. Literally.

  (HE pours more wine)

I'm not afraid to die, you know. But, she won't let people with colds come to the house. And she slips multivitamins into everything I own. I even found some in a baggy taped to the receiver of my telephone at work. Don't ask – I don't know how she did it. And she knows more about the latest HIV treatments than I do, bless her heart. She leaves clippings and articles on my side of the bed, in the bathroom - you know, stuff like that. And she takes these great photographs. Me all over the house. Me in the bathroom. Me in the bedroom. Me in the kitchen. Me me me me me. She can see things - she can make the camera make me. . . . thoughtful, strong, beautiful. That's what I mean. Better. And maybe I believe in destiny or past lives or something. It just feels like we have something important to do together. We do get into it a lot. I think it's because there's no historical precedent set for an anti-sexual, nonromantic marriage. Which is sort of what we have. Shit, I spent my whole life trying to follow the trend. I never thought I'd be starting one.

* * * * *

  [LIGHTS up on DAN in the kitchen
     dealing with a piece of meat. After
     a while JB enters]

JB
What are you making?

DAN
Steak.

JB
You are such a weirdo.

DAN
It's one of the only things I know how to cook. Do you want some?

JB
No way. Gotta keep my girlish figure. And my arteries.

DAN
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

  (Silence as SHE cooks and HE putters
     around, settling in for the night)

JB
God, Dan, do you have to take up such a wide berth? Your shit is everywhere.

DAN
I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'll clean it up later. (Pause) So, what about this alcohol rehab program you're doing?

JB
What about it?

DAN
I think you're full of shit.

JB
Very supportive. Thanks so much.

DAN
I just can't believe all I had to say was "I think you should go to a program" and now you're going.

JB
Can we talk about this later – like after I've gone to sleep?

DAN
If I had known all I had to say was "Go!" I'd've said it a long time ago.

JB
Yeah, well, maybe it's not about you.

DAN
What? You suddenly realized you're drinking your life away? Some big thunderbolt from the sky came down and zotzed you in the ass? What's the name of this place?

JB
You know what? I'm not having this discussion. I knew you wouldn't get it.

DAN
Why don't you try me for once?

JB
What for? I'm not sure I'm definitely going anyway. And frankly, I don't feel like having my decisions scrutinized by someone who turns their dirty panties inside out and wears them again, instead of going to the fucking laundromat like a regular person.

DAN
Don't you make this be about my personal habits –

JB
Why not? You seem to think it's fine to attack me about mine –

DAN
I'm not attacking you –

JB
You're just criticizing –

JB & DAN
It's different.

DAN
That's right. I criticize because I care – I'm Jewish, that's the way it is.

JB
But if I do it to you, it's controlling, right?

DAN
Right.

JB
Well, as long as we've got that straight.

DAN
So?

JB
What?

DAN
Are you going or not?

  (The phone rings)

JB
Oh, thank God! I'll get it!

  (HE answers)

Hello, Fags and Hags, how can I help you?

DAN
I can't believe you!

JB
Oh – hi. Umm, hold on, let me check . . .

  (HE motions that it's HER father.
     SHE motions back that SHE's not home)

I'm sorry, she's not home yet, can I take a message? (Pause) Well, I don't know her schedule. (Pause) I really don't keep track, I do have my own life, you know. (Pause) Look, do you want to leave a message, or not? (Pause) Mm–hmm. (Pause) Yes, fine, I'll pass that along.

  (HE hangs up)

Oh, my God. How do you put up with that?!

DAN

  (Suddenly quiet)

You do what you gotta do.

JB
Are you all right?

DAN
I'm supposed to see him tomorrow for lunch.

JB
Can't you just say no?

DAN
Lay off! Just – whatever – don't tell me what to do. Anyway, we were talking about this program you said youre goi'ng to –

JB
Can't we just drop that, PLEASE? Aren't you on some kind of deadline for school or something?

DAN
All right, all right. Yeah, I'm supposed to do some hand-matting and I started to build a coupla frames, but I got frustrated. They weren't coming out right, so I smashed'em. I guess I gotta start over.

  (SHE refers to HER meat)

I think I'm LD for cooking.

JB
And shopping and laundry and–

DAN
Shut-up, you big, nelly QUEEN!

  (SHE flings a glob of ketchup at HIM.
     It lands on HIS jacket)

Oops! Well, you wanted to change out of that, anyway, right?

JB
That's it.

  (HE gets up and goes into the
     bathroom)

DAN
Aww, come on! I'm just playing around. . . . (Silence) JB? Are you really mad? (Pause) JB?

  (HE comes out with a large container
     filled with water. HE walks over and
     dumps it on HER head)

Oh my Gooooooodddddddd!

JB
No, I'm not mad. In fact, I feel great.

DAN
You're in for it now, buddy –

  (SHE pours ketchup into HER hands
     and goes to smear it on HIS face. They
     end up running around the apartment until
     SHE manages to get HIM down on the
     ground. SHE straddles HIM, pins HIS hands
     and smears ketchup into HIS face. This is
     pretty rough - borderline violent)

JB
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

DAN
You love it.

JB
With another MAN! Uncle, uncle! You're hurting me!

DAN
Tell me how much you love ketchup!

JB
NO!

DAN
Tell me!

JB
All right, all right, I love it – just don't put it on my food!

DAN
Fair enough.

  (SHE gets up.)

JB
Ow! You really hurt me!

DAN
Sorry.

JB
God!

DAN
Sorry! Here. . . .

  (SHE hands HIM a dishtowel. Awkward silence)

Hey, you wanna go to the studio with me? I'll do portraits. . . .

JB
Like this?

DAN
Well, shower and do your hair and make–up, I'll wait.

JB
Ha ha.

DAN
I'm serious.

JB
Really?

DAN
Sure, it'll be cool.

JB
All right, sure.

  (Still rubbing HIS arm as HE goes
     into the bathroom)

God, ow!

DAN
Sorry!

  (Calling after HIM)

I'm really sorry. . . .

  (The LIGHTS change as DAN speaks
     to the audience)

I don't really want to have kids, you know. I mean, not really. I mean, what would I do with small children, you know, after JB gets sick and everything? Shit, I can't barely even take care of myself. Before JB and me lived together I had my phone cut off twice for nonpayment. The fucking checks were written and everything, I just kept forgetting to mail'em. See, JB's the one who does everything. . . . He turns the light on for me, you know, at night. When he's gone, who's gonna turn the light on? If there were kids, it'd have to be me. They'd be all looking to me to turn the light on for them when they got scared at night. God, they're so fucking stupid and helpless! It makes me wanna yak! See, I've been reading Hothead Paisan, Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist and I think she's got the right idea. I'd give my kids machine guns and tell'em, "Now don't be looking for strangers to shoot - it's your fucking family you need to watch out for. See, everyone's gonna be telling you not to talk to strangers and shit, but it's gonna be your dad who comes into your room in the middle of the night, whispering how much he loves you and how sexy you are. He's the one who's gonna give you the puppy that you've wanted so bad and then come into your room and cover your mouth with his hairy hand and rub his slimy dick against your thigh until he comes all over you. That's who you need to be afraid of, little kid. People who tell you they love you. Then after you're done puking, you can turn to your dad and say, 'Love is nothing, Dad. It doesn't mean anything. It's just some stupid feeling - it's what you do that means something' . . . and then you can pull out your AK-47 from under the bed and blow his sorry ass all the way to hell." That's what I'd do. I'd teach my kids that love is just the excuse people use to get up close enough to crush you like a bug. Thank God JB never says that love shit to me. He just does stuff. Good stuff, like turning on the light, you know? Wow, I'm really gonna have to stop being such a slob. I know he hates that, but I can't help myself...

  (Fade to black)