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Breath & Shadow

Fall 2019 - Vol. 16, Issue 4

"The Endless Drudgery of Being Alive"

written by

B. Lawrence

Got up.. and didn’t get up

Thought about getting up for a long time, but had no reason to get up 

Thought about masturbating, but decided not to 

Rolled over and clenched weighted hand grips

Put on podcast so didn’t notice what was happening

Went downstairs and brushed teeth, teeth have become damaged even without drug addiction

Eyes tired

Made pancakes 

Spoke to Mum about something- can’t remember what happened for a long time, so nothing might have happened

Remember eating the pancakes

Tried to read smart book that I got, but French philosophy too noisy and distracting- felt like I couldn’t hack it- put it down for another time

Went on social media to see how much fun everyone is having 

Spent a long time looking out window- saw a bird that I don’t have critical vocabulary to describe- perched on the line- then flew away

Went outside with cup of tea- sat in deckchair and tried to feel something- Couldn’t feel or think about anything other than online videos- spent awhile worrying that I had ruined my own mind, but at least worry is a feeling

Looked up through the branches for a while- Remember looking up through branches when mouth was cut open - Dark branches now light branches- didn’t know when they had started to Spring- Leaves and green things made me smile for awhile

Checked phone for messages- have replaced drug addiction with phone addiction- no messages on phone except ones from Bank saying running out of money- thanks Bank… 

Daydreamed for a while- In daydream was a Taekwondo Olympic star leading class struggle through creepy iconography and kicking rich men- Probably wallowed in that for awhile

Today is a bank holiday but could be any day, any day is any day

Thought about doing another job application but finished last one at 2am so can’t face it- Need a break to stop brain mushification- mushification not a word- need to know how to make words come out more good

Post came- bill, pizza wrapper, bill, and advert from electricity company saying I am one of their most valuable customers…They got my name wrong

Thought about checking social media- Made comment about how awful social media on social media outlet.. Post achieved few likes

Feel trapped- wish I could be a bird…Damn- this is like movie Kes

At some point ate lunch- doesn’t really matter what it was- maybe used it for social media to boost social currency

Decided to write a story, then couldn’t think up anything than my own depressing life… No one will want this- not enough sexy CGI or fantasy dragons

Got an app message from girl who is twenty- seemed really smart- sent message about Charles Bukowski so at least we are both screwed- probably one of us will lose interest and get lost in the ether

Started a job application- well didn’t start it- maybe started and not remember 

Applied for job at Call centre again- under and bellow it all is just the grime that exists underneath of what I thought the bottom was 

Read article about new trend of taking selfie’s with corpse during funeral- world is ugly and scary to me- so occasionally filled with beauty

Long time went by- nothing happened

A blackness settled down on me like a murder of Crows… like the full weight of expectation and crashing waves that made it so quiet, that in the end there was no sound…

Made more tea

Saw a flea climb the leg of a recliner- legs moved quickly- then stopped to rest- then stopped altogether like couldn’t move anymore- looked at flea for a long time and thought how I could help it so got an old envelope so it could jump on and could get it outdoors… Then my sister stamped it with a shoe

Thought about checking data app messages

Updated social media profile to something 

Responded to stupid comment made in person

Walked around with headphones in

Thought about going to gym- but decided not to- effort of getting up- going in- isolating- everyone is now headphones- pointless repetition of weights feel will feel more worthwhile in better state of mind

Made another cup of tea- but ran out of normal milk- used rice milk even though tastes like a word I can’t use If want to try and get story published so imagine word in own head- word was funny- am free in head like the bird in Kes

Thought about something under tree but already done that

Thought about looking at pornography- ended up watching a few minutes- both girls looked unhappy- felt bad and turned it off- read comment underneath- apparently guy who starred in video killed himself last week

Tea gone coldish- but drank some- boiled kettle again to top up with some hotter water- but forgot after doing some leg lifts to try and workout stomach- water went cold again- decided to drink cold out of belligerency and gradual murder of environment

At some point my sister said something and just waited for their turn to talk- conversation took place- don’t know what else was achieved

Got really bored and depressed- for momentary distraction watched an episode of tv show about sexy CGI and fantasy dragons- a pretty man in black cloak brooded and started relationship with his Aunt- he is the one I see on all the perfume adverts- nothing was achieved but wasted some time 

Couldn’t remember what the time was so started drinking a beer outside- both to early to drink and not too early to drink like Schrodinger’s beer

Felt cold even in sunshine

Lack purpose or direction- like a leaf in the lake- or hair down the drain

Achieved catharsis through writing then went back to check messages

Made tea

Looked out window

Closed eyes and dreamt in the only part of me that was not yet destroyed.

B. Lawrence is an author who requires no introduction. He has been published in many (very few) independent publications such as The Newspaper. The Author currently resides in Nottingham with his cat, until he gets enough money to leave. 

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